I live in southern England, I'm married with three children & I'm a nutjob.

I've met many other nutjobs in life, most of whom were nice enough but I'm no longer in contact with the majority of them.

Some nutjobs I've met were proper headcases & I'd advise you to stay well away from the headcases, they're not worth the grief.

One thing to note about me is I'm notorious for harebrained schemes. Over the years, I've come up with so many of these & it's possible that in another dimension - one where they actually worked, I'd be considered a tycoon.

What my harebrained ideas really boil down to is, I'm constantly trying to find nice ways to make loads of money. In other words, I want a nice life & I expect to pay for it but I don't want to have to work too hard for my money.

I never got on at school (hated every second of it), I just never fitted in. No matter which one I went to, I found myself in the class that most people would gladly sacrifice body parts just to avoid. I suspect many of the halfheads I went to school with have gone on to be successful ghouls, bailiffs or politicians.

After escaping juvenile death camp, I got myself a job - which was nice but didn't pay, so I got myself another job - which was nice but didn't pay much more. Since then I've had a succession of jobs I've either hated or barely tolerated. They gave me either zero job satisfaction or money that would insult a beggar, or both.

After some years of crashing & blundering from one set of disastrous circumstances to the next, I decided I'd had enough. Seeing as building a rocket ship & escaping to another planet with a breathable atmosphere was out of the question, I settled with the next best thing & decided that I would chase MY dreams & for one thing, never work for anyone else again.

So life's not easy for anyone but I'm an awkward sod who refuses to play ball (I'm crap at football too). Life's too short so why spend it doing stuff you really don't want to be doing? I've failed so many times in life, got so many things wrong - but the thing I've failed at most of all is just being me.

So who am I? I'm not a people person that's for sure. By the world's standards, I'm probably an eccentric, insecure gibbering freak. By my standards, fuck the world.

I've decided there are four thing in life which are important to me:

1. Me.

 If I'm not doing something I want to do, my heart won't be in it so I won't be happy & those around me will suffer as a result. I will not be working at my optimum so I'll be messing things up all the time & thus letting others down. That's why it's important to THINK OF YOURSELF BEFORE OTHERS. They never teach you that in school.

2. My family.

They are the most important people to me, I love them all dearly. I love spending time with my kids & acting like an idiot, bundling them all over the floor & tickling them until they're bent double with laughter. That's important.

3, Friends.

I don't have many friends. Those who are true friends, I'll do anything for (within reason).

4. Money.

I want money. Money's nice, it buys you nice things, nice food, nice cars & makes nasty things go away. What's not to like about it?

Whoever said money was the root of all evil was probably a mug who couldn't make any.

I have no money but I'm trying to grow some right now.